My Story.

so please dont message me telling me im seeking attention. im not. this is simply for any followers that want to get to know me better. and to let people know that they are not alone in their life struggles. :)

when i was about 5 my mom started drinking.. alot. its been uncontrollable and unpredictable as to when she would do it and how she would act. sometimes shed be fun she would want to play games with me or she would talk to me about when she was a kid and i loved that. but alot of the time she was mean. or she would throw up. i remember the first time she got sick, i laid on my floor at the end of the hall and wished i could be in the living room with my dad helping her feel better. i didnt understand it was from drinking until a few days later when my parents argued about it. in the third grade i remember she hit me when she was drunk. and she bit my forehead and the next few days i had to stay home. i remember going back to school and someone asked me what it was. i said what mom told me to say “the cat bit me” as i had rehearsed probably a hundred times the day before with my mom. she had gotten physical a few times after that but the most memorable was in 7th grade when she had scratched my neck really bad. it was 3 days before my birthday. i stayed at my best friends house for the next 5 days or so and during that time i had to go to school. i tried to cover up the marks from my mom but this was something i couldnt hide well.. unless i had a turtle neck.. which i didnt. i ended up down in the cops office and they had to take pictures of my scratch and other various bruises. that was the last time she ever hurt me bad enough to where i felt like she could really hurt me more physically than mentally. my dad has always talked about putting her in rehab or an AA group. but hes just a pot head and never follows through with what he says. i wish that were different but at least he doesnt try to hurt anyone when hes high.
ive also struggled with eating disorders and various versions of self harm. it was the worst in elementary school. i was prescribed concerta for my ADHD in about 2nd or 3rd grade. if youve ever been on it you already know what its like. you sit in your desk all day and youre so hungry you could eat a horse. then you go into the lunch room and if the smell isnt nauseating enough the sight of food is enough to make you want to hurl! eventually my mom noticed my weight loss in a time when kids should be growing and gaining weight! she had the lunch room para professionals watch what i was eating. they would check my tray everyday after lunch. they thought i was eating but i was hiding the food or giving it away to kids around me. eventually they noticed that i was doing this and would literally sit down with me and watch me eat. so everyday after lunch i would go throw up the small amount of food i had just eaten. this went on from late third grade to about 6th or 7th.
it got even worse after the summer between 5th and 6th grade. my cousin had raped me. and i didnt know what to think. half of me said “you were asking for it” the other half said i should tell someone. i never told anyone until 8th grade.
after the rape my life took a turn for the worse. i was 5’6” and 95lbs the ideal weight for a women who is 5’6” is 117-154lbs so needless to say i was sick. not only was i severely underweight but i was constantly fighting with my mom. and my family in general. my grades were shit. and i hated my body, not only because i thought i was fat but because i felt dirty. i felt used. i felt empty. i started cutting and burning myself. i started on my legs. my ankles. my boobs. and my stomach. i eventually got to my wrists which is when it blew up in my face. everyone knew. i also developed this disorder called  Trichotillomania (trik-o-til-o-MAY-ne-uh) which is an irresistible urge to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body. Hair pulling from the scalp often leaves patchy bald spots, which people with trichotillomania may go to great lengths to disguise. i still dont know the exact reason why i do it but i still struggle with it. and there are no known treatments other than pills.. which ive tried and had no success with. after 6th grade i got up to my highest weight (thus far) of 103lbs at 5’8” tall. i havent grown since thank god haha im too tall!!
in 7th grade i started smoking pot and cigarettes alot. i wanted to do anything to fit in anywhere. as you can imagine having bald spot wasnt the most attractive thing in the world and not alot of people accepted me. at the end of that year i was 115lbs 5’8” and i had quit cutting and burning myself.
in 8th grade i lost my uncle to gangrene. i never got to say goodbye. 2 months later i lost a really close friend of mine. Mitchell Pratt. to suicide. i still regret the last thing i said to him and i will always hate myself for not being there for him. that april i lost my grandpa to brain cancer. i never got to say goodbye i hadnt seen him in about a year. i never thanked him for the memories he bestowed in me. i started cutting on a few occasions. and my hair was nearly nonexistent.
9th grade. i was in a whole new school. i had most of my hair back. i had quit cutting and i was up to 145lbs. i looked healthy. until i pulled all my hair out again. i had a boyfriend who cheated on me twice (i found out the first time on my BIRTHDAY and he thought the earrings he bought me would fix everything.) we stayed together though, i forgave him and we moved on. we had been together for 8 months. until i cheated on him. i felt so guilty and i had to come clean. i told him. and we ended it. i started dating the guy i had cheated on him with and we are still together nearly 9 months later. this summer i was smoking pot. drinking alot. sneaking out. having sex. i was doing everything i shouldnt have been doing.
now. this year. i got my life back on track in august. stopped doing drugs stopped drinking and my hair was looking great. but then in september when school started. i started pulling my hair out again. i was almost completely bald in the course of a week i had gone from having the hair i wanted to being bald. i hated it. i wore head scarves to cover it up. then slowly but surely my weight began to reconsumed my life. i got down from about 150lbs to 120.3 at my lightest right before Christmas.

i still pull my hair out but not nearly as bad. i can go without the headscarf and people dont really say anything about it. i smoke cigarettes simply because if i dont i have crazy panic attacks.

im 5’8” tall
GOAL WEIGHT—-115 Pounds
Lightest weight at 5’8”—-103 6/18/09
Heaviest weight at 5’8”—-145.6 9/15/11
Lightest weight in 2011—-120.3 12/16/11
Current weight—- 132.6 1/24/12