JANUARY 2, 2012
i don’t want people to think I’m seeking attention. because I’m not. I’m simply looking to get this all off my chest. if you don’t want to read this then don’t. i don’t need you to judge me. i need you to read what i have to say.
when i was about 5 my mom started drinking.. a lot. its been uncontrollable and unpredictable as to when she would do it and how she would act. sometimes she’d be fun she would want to play games with me or she would talk to me about when she was a kid and i loved that. but a lot of the time she was mean. or she would throw up. i remember the first time she got sick, i laid on my floor at the end of the hall and wished i could be in the living room with my dad helping her feel better. i didn’t understand it was from drinking until a few days later when my parents argued about it. in the third grade i remember she hit me when she was drunk. and she bit my forehead and the next few days i had to stay home. i remember going back to school and someone asked me what it was. i said what mom told me to say “the cat bit me” as i had rehearsed probably a hundred times the day before with my mom. she had gotten physical a few times after that but the most memorable was in 7th grade when she had scratched my neck really bad. it was 3 days before my birthday. i stayed at my best friends house for the next 5 days or so and during that time i had to go to school. i tried to cover up the marks from my mom but this was something i couldn’t hide well.. unless i had a turtle neck.. which i didn’t. i ended up down in the cops office and they had to take pictures of my scratch and other various bruises. that was the last time she ever hurt me bad enough to where i felt like she could really hurt me more physically than mentally. my dad has always talked about putting her in rehab or an AA group. but hes just a pot head and never follows through with what he says. i wish that were different but at least he doesn’t try to hurt anyone when hes high.
I’ve also struggled with eating disorders and various versions of self harm. it was the worst in elementary school. i was prescribed Concerta for my ADHD in about 2nd or 3rd grade. if you’ve ever been on it you already know what its like. you sit in your desk all day and you’re so hungry you could eat a horse. then you go into the lunch room and if the smell isn’t nauseating enough the sight of food is enough to make you want to hurl! eventually my mom noticed my weight loss in a time when kids should be growing and gaining weight! she had the lunch room para professionals watch what i was eating. they would check my tray everyday after lunch. they thought i was eating but i was hiding the food or giving it away to kids around me. eventually they noticed that i was doing this and would literally sit down with me and watch me eat. so everyday after lunch i would go throw up the small amount of food i had just eaten. this went on from late third grade to about 6th or 7th.
it got even worse after the summer between 5th and 6th grade. my cousin had raped me. and i didn’t know what to think. half of me said “you were asking for it” the other half said i should tell someone. i never told anyone until 8th grade.
after the rape my life took a turn for the worse. i was 5’6” and 95lbs the ideal weight for a women who is 5’6” is 117-154lbs so needless to say i was sick. not only was i severely underweight but i was constantly fighting with my mom. and my family in general. my grades were shit. and i hated my body, not only because i thought i was fat but because i felt dirty. i felt used. i felt empty. i started cutting and burning myself. i started on my legs. my ankles. my boobs. and my stomach. i eventually got to my wrists which is when it blew up in my face. everyone knew. i also developed this disorder called Trichotillomania (trik-o-til-o-MAY-ne-uh) which is an irresistible urge to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body. Hair pulling from the scalp often leaves patchy bald spots, which people with trichotillomania may go to great lengths to disguise. i still don’t know the exact reason why i do it but i still struggle with it. and there are no known treatments other than pills.. which I’ve tried and had no success with. after 6th grade i got up to my highest weight (thus far) of 103lbs at 5’8” tall. i haven’t grown since thank god haha I’m too tall!!
in 7th grade i started smoking pot and cigarettes a lot. i wanted to do anything to fit in anywhere. as you can imagine having bald spot wasn’t the most attractive thing in the world and not a lot of people accepted me. at the end of that year i was 115lbs 5’8” and i had quit cutting and burning myself.
in 8th grade i lost my uncle to gangrene. i never got to say goodbye. 2 months later i lost a really close friend of mine. Mitchell Pratt. to suicide. i still regret the last thing i said to him and i will always hate myself for not being there for him. that April i lost my grandpa to brain cancer. i never got to say goodbye i hadnt seen him in about a year. i never thanked him for the memories he bestowed in me. i started cutting on a few occasions. and my hair was nearly nonexistent.
9th grade. i was in a whole new school. i had most of my hair back. i had quit cutting and i was up to 145lbs. i looked healthy. until i pulled all my hair out again. i had a boyfriend who cheated on me twice (i found out the first time on my BIRTHDAY and he thought the earrings he bought me would fix everything.) we stayed together though, i forgave him and we moved on. we had been together for 8 months. until i cheated on him. i felt so guilty and i had to come clean. i told him. and we ended it. i started dating the guy i had cheated on him with and we are still together over a year months later. this summer i was smoking pot. drinking a lot. sneaking out. having sex. i was doing everything i shouldn’t have been doing.
now. this year. i got my life back on track in august. stopped doing drugs stopped drinking and my hair was looking great. but then in September when school started. i started pulling my hair out again. i was almost completely bald in the course of a week i had gone from having the hair i wanted to being bald. i hated it. i wore head scarves to cover it up. then slowly but surely my weight began to re-consumed my life. i got down from about 150lbs to 120.3 at my lightest right before Christmas.
i still pull my hair out but not nearly as bad. i can go without the headscarf and people don’t really say anything about it. i smoke cigarettes simply because if i don’t i have crazy panic attacks.
MARCH 11, 2013
well as you can imagine a lot has changed since last April. me and that guy are no longer together, i shaved my head in September in an attempt to grow it out and so far its working, i invested in a wig. guys actually hit on me now its crazy haha. its nice to feel beautiful. my weight still fluctuates between 145 and 122lbs which seems drastic but im pretty sure it all depends on what physical activities i partake in. i am currently 124lbs and 5’8” and ive been doing alot of cave exploring (spelunking). i lost my best friend Ryan Esslinger on November 5th at 7:50 PM. he was hit by a car a mile from his house on his way home from work. i have broken my sobriety. i now drink probably every other weekend or so. and actually just lost another good friend Matt “Creepin’” Rychlicki on March 4th . some say it was natural causes some say he OD’ed. i honestly think he OD’ed because he had messaged me on facebook the night he died asking me to call him. by the time i got the messages it was too late. i dont know if ill ever forgive myself to be honest. anyhow. im just living life to the fullest losing 2 good friends in their early 20’s made me realize life is short. you only get one chance to make memories so i try to utilize my opportunities. you never know whose next to go. my mom and i are doing much better we dont argue as much (probably because im never home). i work 2 jobs and go to school 7 hours a day so im pretty busy. i still smoke cigs, im trying to quit its hard. my ex is still living with me and i hate it. THIS IS MY TURF!! anyways. yeah i think that pretty much covers it. Rest In Paradise Ryan & Creepin’ Much Love and Peace to All
May 13, 2013
so i just thought i would update this again, im currently dating the best guy in the world, his name is Aaron Allen Kellermann. He is 21 and he works alot, he kisses me when im sad and tells me when i need to be less of an asshole. hes really marvelous and he makes my heart grow wings. he has a 2 year old daughter. she lives with her mom and i havent met her yet, im trying not to get involved with her life too early on just to be on the safe side. Aaron and i met in a cave in january. its a rather romantic story to be honest. you should message me if your interested in knowing the story. i have recently come to terms with the fact that Ryan and Matt are gone, forever. and it was hard i cried alot. but Aaron was there for me. he understood, he didnt try to say itll be alright or that id get over it he just… understood. and thats what ive needed all along. uhmm. my mom has been drinking alot but i work 6 days a week and go to school 5 days a week so im like NEVER home unless im sleeping (or fucking lol). i dont have much else to say. i have like no friends so if you ever need a friend please message me anon or not. i just love talking to people. true story.